My ex said to me over the phone, “If I have ever hurt you, I’m sorry.”

My first reaction was silence; but in my head, I was thinking, “If, If? Really? You had your hands on my throat and you almost killed me!”

What I mustered over the long-distance call was, “I accept your apology” and knew internally that this apology was most of all, inadequate. It was inadequate because unbeknownst at the time, he broke my neck that day. This injury progressed until to save me from full paralysis, the surgeon operated and plugged the destroyed disks.

It is often my experience, that a lot of men do not have the understanding of relationships to express regret for injuries, much less domestic violence. So, it was a welcome apology, never the less.

That day those decades ago was what we’ve come to learn is the usual substance of violence against women. One question I always asked about his violence to me, “Why? Why is he doing this?”

Recently in the news, and it seems every football season, a wife or sweetheart of a player is assaulted. From USA Today’s headlines last week: “Kentucky receiver Zy’Aire Hughes accused of assaulting girlfriend.”

I’m wondering to this day, does brain injury take away a brain’s ability to be empathetic, compassionate? Is that why so many football players succumb to domestic violence?

The more I’ve learned about the brain from classes, PBS specials with Dr. Daniel Amen, Psychology Today and presentations on where compassion and empathy are rooted in the brain, the more I think that male brains may be short changed; or all men played football and have injuries to the pre-frontal cortex and amygdala.

I am not sure, these many years since I left my ex, whether or not he played football or if he was knocked all around. But the idea sure makes sense to me now.

As a culture, we idolize football. We pay NFL players more than any god should be paid; but they are our gods to the detriment of our society and personal well-being. This game to me seems nothing more than a remaking of a bloody Viking battle or the tortuous Roman coliseum’s gladiator spectacles. Why are we promoting such violence to the head? Juxtaposed to that financial bestowing on players are teachers’ salaries. Educators do benefit society because they expand our brains and their rewards are little more than minimum wage when all hours of grading and preparing for lessons is counted. Brains that interact with class professors take in knowledge and learn to make sense of the world and learn to be empathetic. Is our romance with football dictating the low pay of elementary and secondary teachers and promoting college faculty made of adjuncts instead of paying our educators what they deserve as they hold our brains and our children’s brains in such high regard?

A movement is afoot from the awareness of concussions on the battlefields of Afghanistan or any combat situation to teen head injuries on the high school 49-yard lines, to change the face of violence drama from tackle to flag football. It seems parents are at least taking to heart the reports from doctors, especially neurologists, that these concussions are breaking the brain. Parents are also petitioning school districts to increase the protection of the helmets because some helmets are not much more than a plastic beach bucket over precious brains. A New York Times article also addresses the changes coming to youth football:  https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/20/sports/football/flag-football-nfl.html

For our society, I’m truly sorry we have put so much murderous money on injurious sports that tackle brains until they bleed away their compassion and drill into them such violence. This apology is inadequate to our society.

—Nelda Curtiss is a retired college professor who enjoys writing and fine arts. Contact her at [email protected]