Haven't had a bath in 40 years

Trout Republic

This past week has been a whirlwind of activity, par for the course when you are in close proximity to Miss Trixie. Those of you who know her at all understand her constant movement.

Ol’ Dutch has almost gotten used to the beehive of her lifestyle and even though it drives me to distraction some days, at least there won’t be any moss growing on her north side from lack of movement, which is a plus, I guess.

Living in an RV has its challenges and Miss Trixie and I have somehow managed to live together for 12 years in just such accommodations without one of us losing our ever-loving mind. And that is a miracle in and of itself for anyone in such close proximity to another human being.

I think the biggest challenge is the almost constant repairs that the big Conestoga requires. I have lived in houses down through the years and of course there are repairs that have to be made there but not like the amount that occurs in an RV.

Just this past week we had just such an event as we came home from a nice evening drive to find water pouring out of the sidewall like Niagra at peak flow. Trixie’s cousin Susie Q and her husband Dartman, who are staying next to us in the park, quickly shut the water off and Ol’ Dutch let out a low, sad moan as I knew what lay ahead.

Faced with the prospect of no water overnight which also meant no showers, Ol’ Dutch began the tedious process of finding the leak and fixing it. Luckily, it was just a loose connection under the sink, and I was able to get us back in business without too much trouble.

Remembering other times when we had no water due to boondocking or a leak, we’ve actually taken showers with a gallon jug of water. Although it sounds impossible, you can actually get by with a lot less water than we normally use.

In Miss Trixie’s mountaineering days, her baths consisted of a thimble of boiled snow and some disinfectant gel. And you wonder why she never married.

There was a comedy sketch one time on TV where a grizzled old prospector’s only line was “I haven't had a bath in 40 years.” He kept repeating this line to which the reply from anyone he met was “I know.”

There is even a world record for the amount of time someone has gone unbathed and as far as I can tell that record is somewhere north of 60 years. And I am sure his neighbors also say “we know” when asked about his odiferous record.

And in fact, just this past week Ol’ Dutch found out that many people get by with little to no water to bathe in including many movie star type people. Leonardo himself says he doesn’t bathe all that often to save water and the environment, which is in contrast to his flying in a private jet all across the globe on a regular basis.

So, it appears to me that he just uses that as a convenient excuse not to get his feet wet. And the most amazing thing to me is that women still flock around him like bees to pollen which only proves to me that his money doesn't stink.

Getting back to our problem, we got the water fixed and showered up and even Cooper had his bath. We are all fresh as a daisy for public exposure, so you don’t have to keep your distance if you see us. Lacking the financial wherewithal of Decaprio, cleanliness is about the only thing Ol’ Dutch has going for him at the time, so I am thankful for that at least.

And even though we come from a long line of unbathed pioneer type folks, this is 2024 folks. Get in there and scrub it and rub it til you shine. We all will appreciate your efforts.


Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com