DV Awareness Month: Why doesn’t he just leave?

--It was a secret that only he and I knew. We were the only ones who held onto this secret bond. It was better if only we knew. The secret could destroy the relationship if others knew. What would other people think? It’s a hidden secret. He convinced me it would be better if I never said a word about it, to anyone. He said no one would believe me. I wouldn’t be able to make it without him. I believed him.. because I loved him.--

Coming forward about domestic violence, or admitting the relationship is abusive can be difficult. It takes courage and the ability to be vulnerable. The age-old question, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” is common regarding an abusive relationship. According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, on average, a woman leaves an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good. Conversely, if we switch gears and think of a man being in an abusive relationship, would we ask the same question? It sounds odd as we rarely think of a man being a victim of domestic violence, but that is a question we should also ask men.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. It may also include isolation, financial control, the act of minimizing and denying the abuse, and blaming the victim for the abuse. Domestic violence is seen as an issue that only women suffer from; however, a small percentage of men have experienced domestic violence as well. According to The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in four men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime; one in seven men have been severely physically abused (hit with a fist or hard object, kicked, slammed against something, choked, burned, etc.) by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.

Domestic violence has no discrimination against gender, age, religion, race, or political stance. Yet, there is a bias nature to men experiencing domestic violence. Society shapes the idea of what characteristics a man and a woman are supposed to have - men are superior, strong, assertive, rational, and independent; women are submissive, emotional, irrational, and dependent. This implicit bias view challenges the idea of a man being a victim. Having a man admit he is in an abusive relationship offers the idea of him being weak or that he should be able to deal with it because he is “a man”.

Going back to the impossible question, “Why doesn’t he just leave?” Men can face the same tribulations that women face including that the abuse may intensify, they can be financially dependent, it is hard to leave if children are involved, they may have the fear of not being believed, religious beliefs, and so on. Another reason why men don’t leave is the possibility of being accused as being the actual abuser. Statistically, men are the abusers, so the situation can be manipulated into making the male victim think he is the abuser.

Tu Casa is dedicated to non-discriminatory practices and does not discriminate. Tu Casa provided services to 63 males in 2017. Of the 63 males, 48 were victims of domestic violence, and three were victims of sexual assault. Our services included advocacy, protection orders, relocation, emergency financial assistance, and housing assistance. Tu Casa’s advocates provide assurance of our confidentiality, give support for a change, and help our clients discover their own strengths. Tu Casa strives to empower children and adults to live healthy, violence-free lives.

Domestic violence can no longer be ignored and we must work together to raise awareness and end domestic violence.  If you need help or know someone who does, call our local 24 hour crisis/assistance hotline at 719-589-2465.