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Movin' on with Nellie: Battle of the world’s tumbleweeds!

Posted: Friday, Apr 19th, 2013

The world is in turmoil with Boston, Mass. and West, Texas in the news with natural and man-made blasts. The battle in the San Luis Valley, however, can take a lighter side these days with the blasts of dirt carried in sand power, which carry all species of tumbleweeds and harbors of allergens.

In light of these abundant well-protected tumbleweeds, I’ve decided to open a much needed tumbleweed distribution plant in my back yard. I would like to run this by you, the reader.

Tumbleweeds, like Tupperware, can live forever and store items. Tumbleweeds can store dog hair, candy wrappers, and other weeds to outgrow the lawn grass or the medical grass. I could open a franchise of weed protection with a crown of tumbleweeds around the newly planted products.

Tumbleweeds, like the Stegosaurus, are armed to the teeth, so to speak, with barbs like rose bushes and the Texas Horned Lizard. I could open a shop to sell well-armed tumbleweeds and thus force out the well-armed gun shop.

Tumbleweeds, like television sets thrown out of the window on David Letterman’s show, are fun to smash and crush into the dirt. So I could export tumbleweeds for late night shows for Letterman, Leno, O’Brien, and Ferguson. Along with it I could bottle the sound of tumbleweeds that finally meet their doom like the Black Blister Beetle or Western Wood Cockroach on the road.

Tumbleweeds, like a cat sneaking up on a prey, can with the cover of the land sneak up on farms, fences and other finds in rural Colorado. I could promote the tumbleweed method of marketing to consumers.

Tumbleweeds, like any fence, can amass a strong presence against unwanted birds, squirrels or tomfoolery. Tumbleweeds along my fence are daunting to dogs and cats, for instance, which do not know what to do in their presence. Their decision: turn and run!

Tumbleweeds, like the Venus Fly Trap, can buckle up a butterfly or moth caught in the pretty jungle and scratch off some skin or meat. I could market the tumbleweeds to Hollywood as the Tumbleweed that Ate the World Order or something like that.

Tumbleweeds, like telephone marketers, get a notion and rotary march to conquer what’s in front of them. No amount of hanging up on the caller or slamming the door on the tumbleweed shakes the onslaught and feed.

Tumbleweeds, like facial masks marketed by the likes of Mary Kay Cosmetics and plastic surgeons, offer endless sources of scratch details to any mask product. Why go to a spa for a peel with only oatmeal as the abrasive element, use a tumbleweed for drama!

Tumbleweeds are marching across the land like soldiers in North Korea; they are hard to miss and ruthless in their protest to conquer the world as they see it, aka the fields, fathers and Valley fracking. Let’s make a tumbleweed product to take the sting out of the prehistoric army and get some end-gain from the silly creation once used as a prairie Christmas tree.

So, dear reader, as Abby might say, what say you about mass marketing the Valley tumbleweeds?

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