The COD—ifying of America





In the year 2018, an undocumented USA Olympic boxer from Norway finally came to.

Sitting next to his bed at the SLV Regional Medical Center, and nodding off as he had been for the last 10 years, was an aged sportswriter named Luther Thormodsgaard.

The boxer’s name was Ingemar Engebretson — and this is his story.

Ingemar, sneaking into America on a boat at Ellis Island to seek a better life than trolling the waters off the Norwegian coast looking for codfish, had taken up boxing and on one stunning day had knocked out the USA’s best hope for a Gold Medal at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games.

But Ingemar’s fame was short-circuited. Though he had been told there was a weight limit down to the last ounce in his classification, no one had told him that there was no height limit.

And thus, Ingemar stepped into the ring in Beijing facing a 7 and a 1/2 foot giant from Berzerkistan who looked down at the soft spot on the top of Ingemar’s head and promptly drilled him into the canvas like a railroad spike.

Ten years later, Ingemar woke up to a world he didn’t know.

“Did I win?” were Ingemar’s first words, followed by, “And who am I?”

“This is a miracle!” Luther exclaimed, and then brought Ingemar up to speed. “You’re in the hospital in Alamosa. You were in a great fight, short as it was, and you went down for the count of 10 — 10 years to be exact. The blow that knocked you out is still seen on YouTube. They shipped you back to America and then were going to deport you to Norway, but the Sons and Daughters of Norway made an outcry and said, ‘No way! He’s a keeper. So you keep him.’ It was a very touching moment. You’ve been out cold for 10 years, but just imagine — 4.7 billion people watched that fight on TV.”

“Wow!” said Ingemar. “That’s a lot of people. Isn’t that way too many for this planet to take care of?”

“Oh, there’s a lot more people than that now,” said Luther. “Maybe closer to 9 billion. But that’s not the problem. The problem is not enough TV sets. Why, did you know that a woman gives birth to a child every second of the day?”

“Shouldn’t somebody stop her?” Ingemar asked.

“Ha! Ha! That’s a good one, Ingemar,” said Luther. “But President Palin wouldn’t allow it.”

“President who?” Ingemar asked.

“Well, you’ve been out for a long time, Ingemar,” Luther explained. “Things have changed. President Palin was elected in 2012 when President Obama decided not to run for reelection. It was pretty predictable — there was just too much peace going on. The country couldn’t stand it. The economy was in shambles with all those government contractors, sub-contractors, sub-sub contractors, and arms manufacturers in the unemployment lines.”

“But what about McCain?” Ingemar queried.

“Too soft,” said Luther. “The country wanted someone tougher, a fighter like Palin. You would have loved her campaign slogan — “Put a salmon fisherwoman in the White House or I’ll sockeye you.”

“So, who did she defeat for the presidency?” Ingemar asked.

“Farris Bervig, the Mayor of Alamosa,” Luther said. “There’s just something about being a Mayor that rings a bell with the American public. If you can take care of the little things, what could be so hard about running the country?”

“So what happened to President Obama, then? Ingemar asked.

‘With his good looks and charm and way with words, no problem,” Luther said. “He signed a billion dollar deal with Hollywood —actually a really strategic place for him because as everyone know, as Hollywood goes, so goes the country. He was nominated for an Academy Award in his very first movie, a remake of ‘War and Peace’ co-starring Amy Goodman.”

“So, are we still at peace?” Ingemar ventured.

“Yep, but not for long,” said Luther. “We’re ready for anything, armed to the teeth. The contractors are back in business, the military restored, and happy days are here again. If any country even winks at us, we’ll be on them like a Polar Bear chasing an environmentalist.”

“Does that mean the fight for crude oil is over?” Ingemar couldn’t help himself now, he had to know.

“That’s all a thing of the past,” Luther explained with a knowing smile. “We live on fish oil now. Instead of offshore drilling, we have offshore fishing. And that’s another reason you haven’t been deported. We’re allowing a lot of Norwegians in because they’re the only ones willing to fish.”

“But what about our cars? Did the price of gas go down?” Ingemar sputtered.

“Don’t need any,” Luther said proudly. “Remember that cod liver oil your mother used to force you to swallow when you were a kid so your body would run better and longer? Turns out it’s also good for cars. Fill them up with cod liver oil and they run smoother and longer, too.”

“It sounds fishy to me,” Ingemar said.

“Smells fishy, too,” said Luther. “But we’ve learned to live with it. Just imagine, all this started in Alamosa and its booming fish farming industry. That’s what launched Mayor Bervig’s candidacy for president. The San Luis Valley was flooded with the water from the deep aquifers and now there are fish and alligators everywhere. Some call it the Alamosa Everglades.”

“Boy, how things have changed,” reflected Ingemar. “I’m not so sure I like it. I wish I had won that Olympic fight and could stand on the awards stand and hear someone sing “The Star Spangled Banner.”

“Oh, that song is out,” Luther said. “Now we sing, ‘Onward Christian Soldiers.’ It was President Palin’s idea. She explained it to us at one of her weekly tent revival fireside chats.”

“I think I need to get out of this hospital,” Ingemar said. “I better talk to my doctor.”

“Whoa there, just a minute, Ingemar,” reacted Luther. “We don’t have doctors anymore. We’re so healthy on fish oil that we no longer need doctors. Look at the money we’re saving. Now you just go to your pharmacist and get your fish oil level checked to see if you’re running low. The pharmacist will even check your shoes and wash your eyeglasses at the same time. It’s just like filling stations in the good old days.”

“I don’t’ know,” Ingemar wondered. “I sure could go for a hamburger right now.”

“Not any more,” said Luther. “The beef industry is gone, and so are the farting cows that were polluting our atmosphere. Believe me, Ingemar, it’s a cod, cod, cod world.”

“But I’m hungry,” Ingemar complained.

“Not for long,” Luther said. “At noon they’ll be bringing you a nice piece of lutefisk for lunch, instead of feeding cod liver oil to you through a tube the last 10 years.”

“Uffda!” Ingemar exclaimed.

“Hey, don’t knock it, son,” said an exasperated Luther. “While you’ve been cold-cocked for 10 years like a fish out of water, lutefisk has saved America!”

“Yeah, sure, you betcha,” said Ingemar. “And mange tusen takk for that, I guess.”