Letter to the Editor: Here's an idea, why not amend the Constitution?

Gun control just won’t seem to go away. Everyone from Barack Hussein Obama to Stevie Wonder to low rent British television hosts continually obsess over it.

I, for one, am tired of the issue. I think the only solution is apparently one no one has ever thought of before: let’s put an end to the debate once and for all by amending the Constitution to guarantee a person’s right to, to coin a phrase, “keep and bear arms.” I don’t understand why this hasn’t been thought of before. It’s such a simple, elegant, solution to this thorny problem.

The Constitution solves so many problems: elections, terms of office, apportionment of representation, the list goes on and on. Just think about it: because of the first amendment, I can worship Baphomet, my crystal skull god-idol that I found on a recent trip to the Yucatan Peninsula. And, amazingly, the government can’t say a word about it, no matter how weird my beliefs and practices are (and believe me, they’re WEIRD.)

Even if they wanted to investigate me, they have to obtain a search warrant (issued only on probable cause) because the Constitution says so. They can’t station a soldier in my house to prevent me from covering myself in squeezable butter and dancing in circles until I find enlightenment every quarter moon and third Tuesday of the month, again, because the Constitution says they can’t.

If they think I’ve broken a law, they have to give me a speedy and public trial, let me have a lawyer, give me a jury if I want one, they can’t make me testify against myself (good thing too, because you never know what I’m going to say) and they can’t sentence me to any cruel and unusual punishment no matter how much I deserve it (and trust me, I deserve it.) And all these rights are guaranteed to me (and all other degenerates) no matter the social costs or whether or not it would be sensible, prudent, or reasonable to not abide by them.

The Constitution does all kinds of wonderful things that we take for granted and no one ever thinks twice about these rights precisely because they’re guaranteed by the supreme law of the land. If we want to end the debate about gun control, all we need is a Constitutional amendment making the right to arms explicit, just like all the other rights we enjoy are.

Let’s stop this silly bickering and let the Constitution speak for us on this issue. Once we amend it, that is.

All praise Baphomet.

Michael Hartmann

Attorney at Law